Does anyone have a cat who loves to eat Cheezits?
Takeout's Fantasy Food Draft: Best Salty Snacks
Welcome, dear readers, to The Takeout Draft, our recurring feature that brings together our love for food, fantasy sports, and arguing about Slack.
Every week we choose a topic of conversation from the world of food and drink. The Take-away workers then set up a team using the snake design format. After five rounds it will The takeout Commentator will vote who they think came out on top in this week's draft. At the end of the year, the employee with the most weekly wins picks a charity of their choice for the The takeout makes a donation.
First, here is the Takeout Draft winner: Last Week's Best Breakfast Cereal as voted by the readers ... for the second straight week in a Total Blowout, it's Kate Bernot!
Come to us this week The Takeout- Co-worker and beloved human garbage can, David Anthony! We put our names in a $ 250,000 random number generator and here is the draft order:
1. Kevin Pang
2. Kate Bernot
3. David Anthony
Six rounds this week. Let's do this.
Kevin Pang: For my top choice, I'll go with you Cool ranch Doritos . A difficult choice between this and nacho cheese, but ultimately my decision was based on the fact that Cool Ranch powder is one of the great feats of the culinary snack technique. Tangy and bright, cool indeed, and it works great as a taco bowl too.
David Anthony: That was my first choice because Cool Ranch Doritos are perfect.
Kate Bernot: It is very hard to argue with this choice. Will someone come through Cool Ranch to defend Nacho Cheese Doritos? Because I don't think these people exist.
KP: Sounds like a point / counterpoint to me.
THERE: I know some people who loathe Cool Ranch. These people are wrong.
KB: Okay, I'm staying very classic with this selection: straightforward, Original ruffles.
Probably my salty snack on the desert island. Oily the right way, salty the right way, crispy the right way.
My favorite ruffle chips are the ones that folded themselves to make small envelopes? They're twice as crispy.
KP: This is an interesting point: I don't know if sodium has numbed my palate, but I can't justify eating unflavored potato chips.
KB: You're too far away, Kevin.
KP: These chips have to be absolutely perfect in order not to be flavored. At least fried in a cauldron.
KB: For me, ruffles are almost perfect.
THERE: I have to agree with Kate on this point, frills are about as good as a simple chip can be. Also a perfect delivery vehicle for various dips.
KB: #TeamRuffles for life
THERE: With my first of two picks, I'll stick with the chips and move on with what I like to call "the best chip in the game," and that is Kettle Brand Salt and Black Pepper Chips .
Perfectly salty, a good crunch and a lot of pepper taste. You own my heart.
KB: The black pepper is very peppery.
KP: I think that's the curled variety, right?
THERE: The crinkle cut, yes. They are a little heavier and I appreciate that.
And for my second choice we enter with Snyder's from Hanover Pretzel Pieces, Honey Mustard & Onion das Area of pretzels .
KB: Oh my god, flavor town.
THERE: I feel like I need to take a shower after eating a handful of these. That's why I always end up eating a whole bag.
This is also why I will not live long, but what a tasteful existence it was.
KB: Are these the pretzels covered in that non-wipeable powder?
THERE: That's them. It's like they got sandblasted with that stuff.
KB: Shameful but tasty.
Okay, for my choice in the second round: Chex mix
It's like six snacks in one!
KP: I have nearly Desire to cheat, but I will accept it
KB: And for all the flavorful, EXTREME, salty-sweet varieties, there is still the classic taste for me.
KP: It's about the sum of the parts
KB: Exactly. I would never eat these bagel chip things alone, but they play a logical role in Chex Mix.
Plus, I referred to Chex Mix as Chex Mex for years as a kid, which now inspires me to invent a DIY Tex Mex flavored version.
THERE: Would eat that.
KP: I'm so glad this fell on number 6: Chili Cheese Fritos . I was so close to picking the original fritos, which is what makes the walking taco so appealing, but my recent discovery of the chili cheese variety has made my fritos experience so much richer. It's intense.
THERE: I'm a huge Fritos fan, but the Chili Cheese version is the best. Though the jalapeno aren't all that shabby either.
KB: I know it's all about salty snacks, but fritos bring salt to a level my mouth almost can't handle.
I feel them suck the moisture off my tongue in real time.
KP: I think Fritos + beer makes a good combination
For my next choice, I'll go with something more nostalgic: Sour Cream & Onion Pringles. Imagine how mind-blowing it was for a 7 year old to have potato chips neatly piled in a pile! And how those uniform fries had this heartiness and creaminess. For a child, these were the "fancy chips".
THERE: Sour Cream & Onion is the worst chip flavor. Fight me.
KP: It's onion!
Who doesn't like an onion dip
THERE: I respect your decisions, but that artificial sour cream flavor makes me wish for death.
KB: This will not endear me to the youths and their ever-important youth vote, but I'm forgoing crunchy Flamin ’Hot Cheetos in favor of straight-up Puffed Cheetos.
Like Marnie’s guide to eating candy, this snack requires I eat it in a specific way.
THERE: I feel like people don’t give puffed Cheetos the credit they deserve.
KB: I eat the first few puffs in one or two bites, and then for the next few, I let the puffs slowly dissolve on my tongue before chewing. I know it's weird, but this is my truth.
THERE: Honestly? Respect.
KP: Mmm ... dissolved cheese corn film
THERE: Though I'm a passionate hater of Sour Cream & Onion, that's only because I have the first part of the equation. So, onion fans, please allow me to extend the olive branch that is Funyuns
KP: Also underrated as a green bean topper
THERE: This is very true!
KB: Flamin's Hot Funyons exist, apparently. (I'm Googling Funyons.)
THERE: I'm not much of a Flamin 'Hot guy, but I am a fan of spice. I also grew up getting my snacks from terrible gas stations, so I have to be true to my younger self and pick Andy Capp’s Hot Fries
KB: Is that a B-side or an unreleased track? You dug deep for that pick.
KP: I have NEVER tried it
THERE: It's a snack that's near and dear to me. I so rarely get them, but I can still put down an entire bag in a single sitting when I do. The flavor is so distinctly its own, and the almost weightlessness of the “fries” turns it into something that's totally perfect to me.
KB: Alright, no one has yet picked a popcorn option! I'm going Smartfood White Cheddar, which seems to check both the “weightless” and “filmy” boxes we so desire in a salty snack.
This is a quintessential salty snack for me because the serving size, every time, is one entire bag until it is gone.
The squeaky yielding texture is also very important to me.
KP: That popcorn weighs -1.6 oz.
THERE: I so rarely buy popcorn for myself, but if there's a bowl of white cheddar popcorn at a party, I will eat all of it like a monster.
KP: I actually regret picking Sour Cream Pringles as early as I did, because I feel the actual best potato chip in America is: Zapp’s Voodoo Chips. This is their interpretation of the All-Dressed Up chips, and coupled with Zapp’s signature hard crunch, it's a really stellar and flavor-intense chip.
KB: I also think those chips have some of the greatest bag artwork in the game.
THERE: Agreed on all fronts here.
Perhaps I just love salt and therefore love all salty snacks.
KB: Your next round pick can be a salt shaker if you'd like.
THERE: I'll take two
KP: And after, there’s Pizzeria pretzel combos. Like Kate, I have a weird way of eating them. After popping them in my mouth for the first handful, I attempt to nibble around the pretzel until a smooth log of “pizza” filling remains.
Arrest me, officer
KB: You’ve spoken of your love for combos before and this is one I just can’t comprehend. But that's just more combos for you, I guess.
THERE: Combos are a snack I only consume when on a road trip. I don’t know why that is, but they feel so completely artificial that’s the only time I can do it and not feel judged.
KP: I don't eat combos often. But when I do, it's a pizzeria’s worth.
KB: Alright, apparently cheese is just my favorite flavor when it comes to salty snacks because I'm going with Cheez-Its next.
KP: Surprised it fell this far
KB: I love that the flakes of salt are discernible atop the cracker.
Also the cheese is actually recognizable as something vaguely cheddar-dervied, so props for that.
THERE: Cheez-Its have been ruined for me, as I have a friend that cold-smokes them and it makes them even better. Cheez-Its off the rack just don’t do the same thing for me anymore.
KP: GTFO here
THERE: okay bye
Who is your friend and have they yet won a Nobel Prize.
THERE: They should! They also do it with Cheetos and, let me tell you, that’s the best Cheeto you’ll ever have in your life.
THERE: And since we're getting deep into this, I'm going to snag something that I'm also surprised hasn’t come up: Planter's honey roasted peanuts.
I think peanuts get overlooked in discussions of snacks, and that's a shame.
KP: I was recently on a flight and had peanuts on an airplane for the first time in a decade and it was delicious
KB: I'm more of a Smokehouse Almonds girl but yes, nuts are underrated as a snack option.
THERE: And for my final pick, once again keeping it local with Jay’s hot stuff chips. They are a complete palate destroyer, but they are so spicy and salty, they're my go-to hot chip pick.
KB: Woe to those who do not know of Jay’s.
KP: Jay’s Open Pit BBQ ruffled potato chips are most excellent
KB: Okay, my last pick of course involves cheese again. I know I should try to diversify my portfolio but dammit I can't help it: Classic goldfish
The air pocket adds such an enjoyable pop texture if you crush it between the top of your mouth and your tongue. Also, not enough very good snacks have novelty shapes.
Great in tomato soup, too, obviously.
THERE: I am going to have to try that tomato soup move this winter.
KB: It's like a crouton, but uh, it's a goldfish.
KP:OK, I struggled mightily with my last pick. Do I go something mainstream, or something a bit left field? You only live once so I'm going with the latter: Chicken In A Biskit. It's buttery crackers that happen to be dusted with “chicken” powder. One of my earliest introductions to umami. Amazing stuff.
THERE: I always forget those exist but, wow, really great stuff.
KB: I've never had the pleasure
KP: OMG KATE
THERE: You must!
KB: I promise to buy a box next time I see them.
Who won this week? Please vote!
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