What's your favorite Kendrick Lamar album
What your favorite 2017 album says about you
At the end of the year all the music magazines and friends try to explain to you what the best album of the year was and why. Sometimes that is calculated meticulously using numbers, sometimes you are just insulted as a son of a bitch because you disagree. Not with us!
We won't find out which albums were the best of the year and which ergo should be your favorite album. However, we can analyze very well what your favorite record says about your character, taste and penis length (which we have already adequately proven in recent years). Here is your annual musical horoscope, professionally created by the Noisey editorial teams in Germany, Austria and Switzerland. My pleasure.
Noisey video: "Kitschkrieg takes over":
Do you know these friends who already have grown-up apartments at the age of 20? With proper furnishings and matching cutlery? Drink the red wine and go home with no stains on your shirt even after freaking out at the club? Let alone with a torn shirt, it's not one from Zara or H&M either. No? It is clear because you are that friend.
You are an inactive honorary member of the Anti-Social Dancing Club. You used to be in the pit every time at shows, today you prefer to stand far back and watch the band with your arms crossed. Too many breakdowns, too little anger. But than you Forever heard, the wall of serene apathy suddenly collapsed. Since then, you've only been able to move around the room with a mosh to this record, and even at concerts you now jump into the pit after two warming beers. Turn free, sweep away sweaty bodies, scream along with the lyrics at the top of your throat: Suddenly you have fun again in your face music.
You may be a bit chubby and dull, but you have a heart of gold and elbows of steel. You need both when you declare the dance floor to be a war zone again, as soon as the beat of "From Party to Party" drops and then you hold your best friend's hair in the toilet and talk well. Life is at the limit.
Linkin Park - One more light
You haven't come to terms with the shocking death of Chester Bennington and tell yourself that you like this album. We understand that, the lyrics of "Heavy" really affect us too, especially considering the circumstances of the death - but could you please turn the music down anyway? Here are some headphones.
Gynecologist and tactless - God
You are already a few years old and the print on your Bassboxxx T-shirt is slowly starting to look like the ground in the African savannah after months of drought. Nevertheless, in contrast to the T-shirt, you managed to stay fresh and uncreased. And all without botox, just with a little autotune. Of course, some contemporaries do not like that, cursing wrongdoers from their window. But you have nothing in common with them, except for the fondness for swear words.
You with headphones on the train: "RAINDROPS! DROPTOPS !!" Old lady opposite: "Young man, could that be a little quieter?" You:
Casper - Long live death
You were afraid. Fear that Casper will break up with the task of expressing all your hidden feelings and inner struggles exactly to the syllable in his texts a third time. You had already made the tattoo appointment for your next favorite line, but then the album was postponed indefinitely. Almost a year of disoriented fear, then it was finally there and again delivered lines for your Insta feed: "I feel the way I feel because I don't feel anything anymore." Yes, damn it - we feel you!
You are humble. Sit down. You're humble. Sit down. You're humble. Sit down. You're humble. Sit down. Are ... I FINALLY WANT GOOD KID M.A.A.D. City Pt.2, damned! No more buck here!
You're somehow uncomfortable with real gangster rap, you distance yourself from classic beats, such as Kollegah and Farid Bang. Because you are a dancer. You are ADHD come true, always looking for movement and attention. It is important to you that you can dance to drug and gangster lines properly and not just bob. Still, you're the biggest fan of all the members of the 187 street gang's Instagram stories and you think RAF Camora is probably the coolest man in the world. You are also into all the artists who are featured on the album or who have ever featured RAF Camora in general. Ufo361 and Trettmann speak to your flexible soul, you almost exclusively wear Nike clothes and you can explode in an argument. Your Instagram account is on Fleek (but you don't say any more) and you like to show your Fantum on Snapchat, where you unbox boxes, even though you have a Spotify account anyway. For you, music is not just music - it is an entire lifestyle, including clothing, presentation of yourself and language. Your time is the future and you care so little about the past that you have or have had really bad grades in history.
You're very good at blocking out uncomfortable details. For example, that XXXTentacion is accused of beating up his pregnant ex-girlfriend. And that she put this alleged abuse on the record in painful detail. But your principle is: innocent to proven guilt. And shit, who is supposed to fight through so much protocol text !? Instead, you prefer to let the fragile voice drag you into a world full of depression and bob your head thoughtfully. Then if someone asks why you are doing this depressing howl to yourself, you turn up "Look At Me" triumphantly, clear your throat and give a raving lecture about how versatile this artist is.
You've only really heard the singles. At the album's intro, after a few shudders of disgust, you skipped over to "Blackout". Then Molly kicked and everything blurred into an overstyled turnup.
Mavi Phoenix - Young Prophet
You are equally admired and envied. You don't mince your words, you are talented and smart at the same time. Your favorite toy is the baseball bat, which you love to Instagram stories with because it contrasts so beautifully with your delicate appearance. Mainly you are out with older people, for whom you are really grateful because they show you the direction and that is kind of so relaxing. Mavi is the perfect soundtrack for your life and at each of her concerts you think to yourself that at some point you will be more famous than her, but you will not forget to mention her as an inspiration.
Being As An Ocean - Waiting for Morning to Come
You have the YouTube channels Dreambound and Audiotree Live subscribed, and know absolutely every video there. You can be found easily in the comments. You wear your heart on your fingertips and type things like "This song saved my life". You call Being As An Ocean "Poetcore", you like to tell about the new album that it is actually the biographical masterpiece of your own soul.
Kollegah & Farid Bang - JBG3
You're that one guy who was admired and feared by everyone in school back then. We admit it: we too giggled in dismay when you poured the moldy juice, which you had fortified with spit and leftover food in your locker for months, over Charlotte's head when she called you son of a bitch. She was just a sneak and never let anyone write it off. It also gave you power and prestige to move around in your circle - even if the fear of being the focus of your jokes never went away. We saw you again at the bakery the other day. You now have a receding hairline and yell at the service staff.
You are bushido.
You have a lot of feelings. Many have to do with love. The love for yourself, for men, women and life itself. Sometimes, however, your predominant feeling is a simple, but all the louder "fuck you". To the fuckboys who suddenly stop answering and don't seem to have the feeling that they owe you an explanation. Sometimes to yourself too, if you act a little like that yourself.
Brand New - Science fiction
Can you still like your favorite band when the singer has apologized publicly for the consequences of his sex addiction, but does not respond to the allegations of a then 15-year-old who wakes up drenched in sweat to this day because he is said to have sexually molested her 15 years ago? If he also ends his statement with a qualifying "I am not blameless, nobody should be"? In response to this moral question, you turn up the volume and let "Same Logic / Teeth" boom through your brain. After all, the Brand News is the last album and you let yourself be pulled deeper into the inner abyss with a painful smile by every nostalgic wave. After all, you didn't tattoo "Failure By Design" on your skin just for fun. This is not a phase, this is your goddamn life.
You probably blocked us on Twitter.
Stormzy - Gang Signs & Prayer
You have finished with the German city, German-speaking street rap and all the jumping jacks who make Bottrop-Kirchhellen unsafe with their lowered AMGs. Everyone goes away, you think to yourself as you pack your suitcase for your au pair year in London. Because you have to go there, to London, the last city in which real stories are told with real and stirring asphalt blues. Unlike in the USA, people don't shower themselves with cough syrup and turn off the light before swinging into the booth. All rags! All! All these pipes are way too big for your boots and would be boxed out of the Cypher by King Stormzy with only one and a half lines. You're going to London alone, because nobody in your leek circle of friends hears Stormzy. Even though he's so damn good!
You have been waiting longingly for someone in this country to finally capture the sound of Chance The Rapper and add an individual note to it. You were surprised that it would be Raoper Cro of all people, but it also impressed you at the same time. Now you could tell everyone which independent artist the former hipster teen star has developed into. The whole sexism debate about Cro calling a woman a "slut" just because she wanted to sleep with him right away, you got a bold "Cro did a 12-minute track that even Daft would kill punk for!" screamed against. Now you are suddenly alone at the party where you recently went to "Easy" with everyone. The gin and tonic is empty, you go to the toilet, deliberately casual, do your thing and lick the cell phone. Getting older sucks.
Vince Staples - Big Fish Theory
Tyler, the Creator has become too mainstream for you and Chance The Rapper too Christian. You are almost perfect, we would marry you right away! But unfortunately you don't have any money.
You've had a bloody crush on spring. Maybe that's why you're one of the few who claims that Love hotel was fully the good album. "So please: 'Diamant' is probably the best pop song of the year!" You will reply. Might be. But you were also knocked unconscious from the headboard of your bed half the time.
Lil Peep - Come Over When You're Sober
You are emo. You are a rap fan. You listen to punk. You like metal. You like pop. Shit, you're open to anything as long as it puts salt on your inner wounds. Lil Peep then was exactly what you always wanted. Teen fear music as it should sound in 2017. Rap attitude paired with depressive self-destruction, sound references to your good old MySpace days and such offensive emo texts that your own relationship boxes looked like they were designed by IKEA. All the shitty that this light at the end of the uncreative horizon that marked the musical years of your adulthood was turned off so quickly. Maybe Brennan Savage will comfort you.
You are the consensus - but that in no way detracts from the album. Celebrating Trettmann in 2017 is like proudly declaring that you wear Nike sneakers. Fortunately, good things will sooner or later prevail, asks Steve Jobs!
Suicide Silence - Suicide Silence
You are the raised index finger at every party, the non-smoker during the smoking break, the club mate customer in the pub, in short: you love not to belong. That's exactly why you adore it Suicide Silence so much. An album full of deathcore songs for which deathcore fans scratch the tunnels ashamed. You, on the other hand, soak up the dirty, washed-out production and feel a warm stomach tingling with the head-voiced teahee hook by "Doris" This is how uncompromising Metal must sound for you in 2017, everything else is pure fan satisfaction and thus uncreative sell-out. That you are a little right about that warms you up in the dark hours when you come to the grill party with zucchini risotto and only get disdainful looks.
Kraftklub - No night for no one
You are a loyal customer of the Krasser Stoff merch company. No love-Hoodie, Casper cap and gymnastics club bag - not a day without your favorite artists. It was also clear to you from the start that the people from Chemnitz would be delivering songs for the summer of life again, but promised "Chemie Chemie Ya" will forever be the anthem of your gang. You were the only one who moved to Berlin this year for your studies and miss your old friends, but now you go out to party with your fellow students more often. Next weekend we're going to Sisyphos, that will be great.
You have known Gerard since "Lisbon" and are into deep world and love pain. Your best friend hates all partners that happened in 2017 and your best buddy likes to take you to hip stores that want to look a little fucked up, but obviously aren't with their ten euro gin and tonics with rhubarb sticks. You prefer to shop on the internet, you have a romantic and artistic soul and you like any sound that is melancholic to slow. You are the quiet guest at the party. You make sure that you go overboard a maximum of once a year - after a bad breakup. You eat healthy and do Sober January every January. You find Yung Hurn and Trap generally annoying, you are also not at all comfortable with big events, you only go to hip, small festivals near your home town, which is basically not the capital. A suburban child at heart, with a lot of love for love and melodrama. Insults like "asshole" or "slut" are definitely reasons for breaking up. Your family comes first and you have just been very lucky in life otherwise. You are therefore unpopular with former problem children and although you would never want to devalue anyone, your mere presence is often enough to feel really crappy.
Ankathie Koi - I Hate The Way You Chew
You met your Gspusi during the last rhinoplasty and you are currently in the process of arranging a date where you want to celebrate marriage for everyone. But you probably won't go out to eat because your misophony is bigger than any love in this world and if your Gspusi chews too loud, you unfortunately have to go home alone. You are a creative person who likes to go out in a self-sewn robe and for whose make-up at least two color palettes have been used. You love to dance and laugh and are therefore always the focus of every party.
Gutlauninger - Hectic love
If you were also one of those people who Hectic love listened up and down this summer, then you're probably some kind of secret dime poet with a good sense of humor. While everyone was throwing themselves into favorite bands like Wanda or Bilderbuch, you relied on good synth sounds and Falco Grönemeyer singsong with cheeky English-language lyrics. Retro is your passion, your entire Spotify library would fit on one audio cassette, if you were still dancing your way through the public on public transport with a classy Walkman. You are so confident, you don't need a floor to dance. With the right sound, the whole world is a dance floor for you. One of your skills is Stranger Things to watch, wear chokers with dignity and only wear band shirts from bands that you really know and listen to.
By 2017 at the latest you will have understood that this world will no longer be anything. Politics have let you down, society is annoying to you like chewing gum caught in your hair and your Instagram handle is "@CyberpunkDeusEx". Your being is nevertheless forgiving and you really just want these damn aliens to finally come and clean up this filthy, ruined earth and vacuum up the Trumps and Putins with an oversized vacuum cleaner. While you picture all this, you leave in the background Alien Age run and calm your strained nerves with Wolfgang Möstl's Zen voice.
Got nostalgic? Take a look at our analyzes of the last few years here:
What your favorite 2016 album says about you
What your favorite 2015 album says about you
What your favorite 2014 album says about you
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